Reconnect to stay connected with your adult child

You call up your son or daughter in their 20s staying in hostel / another city or country and s/he greets back with a low hello. Any mother across the globe will get edgy and will ask,‘I hope everything is okay’ and then s/he replies, “Yeah sort of but my life is complete mess. I have a terrible boss, I am sick of the long working hours, its all work no play, no parties, no friends to hang around and there is no fun left in life. Feeling so bored, tired and sick. Mom, I need some me-time to figure out my life, don’t mind I’ll call you later.” She hangs up the phone. Now the confusion begins. Should the responsible mother, reconnect to correct, stay disconnected to not to disturb or phone his/her friend to know more. Nothing seems to be a good option because of the expected unpleasant results. While reconnecting may get you a busy tone, disconnecting may cause you anxiety or anger and calling the friend will pass for shadowing. This ‘stage’ often requires a significant shift in mind-set, as parents move from the front seat to the back seat of their child’s life. Although there’s no single best formula but I would suggest, be brave enough to go first. ‘Let go’ of your wounded pride and just reconnect in different ways. Research studies indicates that adult children still benefit from parental involvement in these critical years/ times; however, the type of involvement matters must shift from controlling to supportive. Some of the ways could be: 1)Create a safe space for your adult children to share their struggle with you . Let them be vulnerable, let them grumble, let them complain till they steam out till their pressure is released. Sometimes you just need to be a sounding board. Be flexible. Listen well. 2) Try moving some of the conversations to text, which allows you to have more control over the frequency of contact. 3) When debating whether to step in to help or step out to let go, ask yourself whether you are truly needed or you’re trying to control the outcome. One may learn to cope with radio silence. It’s normal for adult child to pull away from you because sometimes s/he is wrestling with a difficult decision and wants to test their guts to create a separate identity. One must honour that privacy and not take it personally. However, if the child is in emotional or physical danger, one needs to step in. Its time to say your mind even if it’s not popular. 4) Sometimes you may also have to bite your tongue. It’s important to know that adult children make their own choices and are defensive of their autonomy and any disparaging remarks may push them away. You have to avoid making unsolicited judgements about your child’s personal habits, dressing, grooming, lingo and significant others. Over the years, they might invite their friends quite frequently. Keep the door open each time. Amongst them, there may be someone who stays for a longer time in your child’s life. 5) Build an adult relationship finding new levels of togetherness that work for both of you. Bond on shared experiences such as trying new restaurants, watching movies, vacationing or hitting weekend markets. It may be great way to stay close through the years. 6) And when you don’t love all their decisions or you don’t know how to love or support, pray for them. Knowing that in the shadows, there is a parent, who is praying for them. This is the simplest and radical way to say, you have my back, my child. 7) Lastly, loving your kids unconditionally should never change; whether your child is seven-years-old with a broken arm or 27-years-old with a broken relationship.They would always need you with spoken words or with uneasy silence. So connect and reconnect each time you feel disconnected with your adult child.